My parents are a little barking.

They once rang me, my mum was really excited because they had just bought me a house. I was over the moon, at first.

Me: Thanks very much, you kept that one quiet. When can I pick up the keys?

Mum: Well the thing is darling, it's not actually in London.

Me: What do you mean it's not in London? Well, where is it then?

Mum: You tell her Peter.

Dad: It's in Heckmonwike.

Me: Where's Heckmonwike?

Dad: It's in Yorkshire, it's a little terrace house in Yorkshire. In West Yorkshire actually.

Me: But, dad I work in London.

Dad: Yes, that occurred to me too. Errr it was your mother's idea. In fact you speak to her, Isobel.

Mum: Well, we thought you could move there.

In retrospect I should of held onto the house, but I didn't, I told them that I didn't want it. So I am obviously more barking than them.

I've had three houses the last one was in Salford on one of the roughest council estates in the North West. We were advised to buy bars for all of the down stairs windows and doors, which we did. I hated that place - I was always scared. Going home on the bus from school was an ordeal for everyone. The kids on the estate did the most terrible things. Throwing stones at the bus driver, pulling up and ripping all of the seats on the bus. Intimadating the old ladies. They were just grotesque creatures. There was no humanity in them at all. They were beasts. Basically, I will take anyone on - but, even 'I' could not get into a battle with those fucking little bastards. Too much Salford inbreeding. They are as rough as hell.

One day I went a bit bonkers I was just sick and tired of the constant thieving that was going on so I decided to pay them back.

I had been drinking red wine so that gave me confidence to pull it off.

I pulled out (on my own) all of the furniture in my house putting it onto the driveway, that's the three piece suite, the dining room table and four chairs, the coffee table the book shelves, everything. I sat on my sofa on the driveway and invited passers buy to drink wine with me. I thought it was time that they saw that I didn't have anything worth stealing.