Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Darts my new play.

Character Profiles:

As well as being morbidly obese Janice is also insane. Bolton born Janice recently took a National Express coach to Croydon, at midnight, on Sunday 7th May. This was to escape the DSS who are currently investigating her for benefit fraud. Janice has ten children to Tim, who is, like Janice, unemployed.

Me, well I am a drama teacher from the North of England and I have recently relocated to Croydon.

Masha is a character from Anton Chekov’s play the Seagull.

Tory MP Mark Swain is married to Sheila. Sheila is a doctor and a part-time celebrity journalist. They have three children who all attend the famous Whitgift School.

Mark has a secret. He likes darts more than politics. The truth is he dreams of becoming an international champion darts player. Mark's wife suspects he is having an affair because he keeps disappearing for hours on end. The truth is Mark is driving two hundred miles twice a week and playing darts, in a working mens' club in Barnsley.

Barnaby McFergus is a smooth talking man from the US of A. He has a passion for one thing and one thing only, darts. It is because of his love of darts he has come to the UK to track down the British World Champion, Phil Taylor.

Phil Taylor – World Champion Darts player.

DARTS a play by Cat McDougal.

Janice had decided to take a walk into Croydon. She was peckish and rather fancied a cheese and onion pasty. When she got there she thought that woman behind the counter was a little odd.

Janice: She had dead shifty eyes and smelt of something which was rather unsavoury. It could have been kipper oil. It was definitely fishy. It was fish-tastic – Yuk! How could anyone smell that bad, especially if they’re serving the public? Not only that she wasn’t wearing a Greg’s uniform which was a bit suspect, no, you see what she was wearing was a black a period dress, like all Victorian. Do you get me? There was something about her, definitely not right, you know. And then it hit me, like smack, right in between me googlies.

Me: Googlies?

Janice: Pies!

Me: Pies?

Janice: (annoyed) Eyes!

JANICE: She resembled somebody I had seen before, maybe on beeb like. And then it came to me.

You’re an actress aren’t you love? Ave seen you on telly.

Masha: (French accent) Pardon?

Janice: I said love, that you’re an actress, aren’t you?

Masha: My name is Masha. I am from Russia. I speak minimal English. What is it that you want from me?

Janice: My usual, a cheese and onion pasty. Gee us that big one there, looks right tasty.

Masha: Where is that?

Janice: Under the hot counter. (Janice points to the counter) Then this bloke walked in, looking like all kinda Victorian, he had a walking stick and a big bushy moustache, he then gets down on one knee, strokes his moustache and says to Masha….

MEDVIEDENKO: Why do you always wear black?

MASHA: I am in mourning for my life. That will be one pound please.

JANICE: Do you take coppers?

MASHA: Pardon?

MEDVIEDENKO: (very serious expression on his face, looks constipated) I have found it.

MASHA: You found what?

MEDVIEDENKO: I searched high and low and then I eventually found it.

JANICE: Excuse me love (counting out a handful of two pence coins) will that do? Oh shit I am just short of four pence. Will you let us off cock?

MASHA: (Preoccupied with MEDVIEDENKO). What have you found? You must reveal this to me, now, do it now. I have customers to serve. You must hurry, soon it will be lunchtime and the shop will be packed.

MEDVIEDENKO: It’s here, in my bag. I wrapped it up in linen. (He rummages around in his and then pulls out the seagull)

MASHA: (Becomes flustered and overwhelmed by the sight of the seagull) Oh MEDVIEDENKO! You found it, you found my seagull. Je ne peux pas le croire. Je suis si heureux. Car le long du temps maintenant j'ai été inquiété que je ne le verrais jamais de nouveau. Oh merci, merci tellement.

Janice: Bloody hell.

MEDVIEDENKO and Masha start kissing each other.

MASHA: Before this moment. I was quoting King Lear. It felt like hell, darkness I was drowning in a sulphurous pit. ‘Burning, scalding, stench, consumption; fie, fie, fie! Pah, pah! Give me an ounce of civet. Good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination’

MEDVIEDENKO: No longer sweet angel. Now you can quote Sarah McLachlan instead, sweet angel.

Masha: Who is she?

MEDVIEDENKO: ‘Happiness is like a cloud, if you stare at it long enough it evaporates’.

Masha: Who is she?

MEDVIEDENKO: (Confused) Who?

MASHA: (suspicious) This Sarah woman?

MEDVIEDENKO: (starts laughing, then stops as he can see that Masha is not very happy) She’s a Canadian singer song writer.

Masha: I was warned about you by my mother, she told me to beware, he’s just like his father – a womanizer. Retirez votre mouette foutue en Russie. Partez courant les femmes tout ce que vous aimez, nous sommes finis. Je vais continuer à travailler dans Gregs les boulangers. Je vais devenir morbidement obses comme la dernière femme qui était dans ici. Vous pourriez dire que vous m'aimez, mais vraiment vous aimez toutes les femmes. Quand je suis assez gras je reviendrai en Russie et serai assis sur vous et vous mourrez! Sortez! Et prenez cette chose laide foutue avec vous.

Janice: Then the poor man left, with his tail well and truly in between his legs. To be honest if our Tim brought home a dead seagull I would tell him where to get off un all. But not French though, that’s too flash for me. I just say and while you’re disposing of the corpse, get down to the chippy and pick us up a bag of chip ‘n’ bits, with lashings of curry sauce. That’s the only way to woo me back, is with a bag a chips from West Yorkshire’s finest ‘Derek’s Chips’.


Anonymous said...

what's chekov gotta do with darts?

Anonymous said...

What a load of bollocks! TH