Experiments Done on Different Kinds of Seagulls.

As instructed by Mr. 'C'.














9th August 2027.

Scotland.



Dear Doctor F,


You mentioned recently in your notes to me the Conservative blogger known as Croydonian. I have to say that I have met this gentleman only once. This was at a Conservative Blogger Awards evening, hosted by Conservative Home, held at some public house somewhere in the centre of the golden metropolis. As I recall this was one evening some months ago now.

For some bizarre reason we struck up a conversation about a rather unfortunate experience I had encountered in Devon. This was many, many years ago now: I recount the story in a pseudo Mancunian accent "I was standing at some traffic lights in Brixham and a rather large gull was hovering above my delicate head and it decided to relieve itself (it had a bowel movement) and consequently its shit landed down one side of my face. I then had to run into the adjacent pub (I was going there anyway) to seek immediate face washing facilities - I looked like a right tit as I sprinted past the bar with the white bird crap dripping off the end of my nose.

Anyway this Croydonian bloke was very sympathetic to my rather unfortunate encounter, and invited me to observe an usual experiment he wanted to conduct off Brighton Pier. It involved the following aparatus:

a) a large portion of Harry Ramsden's fish 'n' chips.

b) a bottle of French Mustard.

c) a bottle of English Mustard.

d) some surgical rubber gloves.

e) a catapult.

f) one pint sized beer glass - to put the mustard in.

His hypothesis is this: - that if you dip a Harry Ramsden's chip in mustard and catapult it up into the air, the greedy seagull will eat it and then the gull will explode.

If you try different mustard on different gulls the bird will do one of the following, all depending on the brand of mustard and the breed of bird, of course.

1) implode.

2) explode.

3) fart.

4) belch.

5) turn into Hunter and Shooter.

So, Doctor F I hope this paints a much clearer picture.

Yours sincerely,

Jean Brodie
Perth, Scotland.