Doctor Finlay and I, just before breakfast this morning.

He tried to persuade me to take his pistol into school, this morning, because things are getting a little out of hand there. The kids are insane, verging on, well they're a bunch of feral nutters. He said, I should use it, obviously as a last resort and in self-defence. I just told him to put it away. I insisted in fact, that he put it back, into his filing cabinet.

File it away, now.

DF: What should I file it under?

I don't know. I am not a secretary.

DF: I implore you, please, take this pistol.

I don't know how to use it. Is it loaded?

DF: No, no it's not loaded.

Not sure I can do this.

DF: Look it will be an act of self-defence. You need it Janet. I implore you. Don't worry it's not loaded right now.

Okay, how do I load it up?

DF: Just go to a sink, any sink. Take the nozzle off the top, look (shows me the gun) and fill it up with cold water, and then squirt.

So, it's a water pistol?

DF: Of course it's a bloody water pistol. What do you think I am, a frigging psychopath? I am a doctor, I try to preserve life, not take it away.

But, I don't want to get wet.

DF: You don't have to. My ex-wife left a wet suit in the attic, you can wear that.

Knock at the front door.

DF: Who the hell is that? My God, it's half past five in the morning.

Shit, you don't think we've disturbed the neighbours, do you?

DF: It's possible.

DF goes to the front door and opens it, he is completely gobsmacked at what he sees.

Boo Ritson: Hi, can I come in please?

Me: Who are you?

Boo Ritson: I am the artist Boo Ritson.

DF: What do you want?

Boo Ritson: I want my painting back.

Me: What painting?

Boo Ritson: The one you're using on your blog, and pretending that it's you and doctor Finlay. I want it back now, please.

Me: Oh.

DF: I think perhaps I'll go and put some clothes on, although I am sure you've seen this sort of thing before, being an artist and all that.

Boo Ritson: So can I have my painting back now, please?

Me: Sure. I'll just get dressed first though. How would you like it?

Boo Ritson: Well, I don't want it wrapped up, I'll just take it as it is now.

Me: Okay, well if you walk down the corridor, it's in the room right at the end, on the right hand side.

Boo Ritson: Thanks.