Thursday, 22 November 2007

I was talking the other day to Doctor Finlay about ....

the fact that my ice-berg hasn't changed much.

Then he pointed out to me ...

DF: Well, actually Cat, your bloody ice-berg is melting.

DSBJ: No! No way!

DF: Look! Look at it! It's got a bloody hole, right in the middle of it.

He was right, my friend, Cappo-Zadee, the ice-berg, had started to melt. I don't know what I am going to do about it. The doctor said ....

DF: This is a clear sign that Cappo-Zadee, your ice-berg, is troubled about something.

I rubbed my chin and pondered for a moment over the doctor's analysis. If, I thought to myself Cappo-Zadee is depressed, how the hell are we going to treat him. Not only is he an ice-berg, he is also many thousands upon thousands of miles away, in the North Pole.

Curious, I looked on google and typed in the following 'how to cure ice-berg depression'. There was nothing. I shook my head in disbelief.

DF: This does not look good. I think that Cat, you have to face facts. Cappo-Zadee is going to melt. I have looked in my bag of doctor's tricks, and there's nothing. You better make the call.

The doctor handed me the phone. I rang Cappo-Zadee and broke the news to him.


DSBJ: Look, look at me, look into my eyes.

Ice-berg (Cappo Zadee): I can't, I am in the North Pole and you are in Hackney, So, I can't look at you. On top of that I don't have any eyes. I can't actually see anything. I just feel cold all the time, that's what I do, feel cold, frozen, like Jack Frost, only colder. In fact I don't even know or understand for that matter how I am able to talk to you.

I have no internal organs and I certainly don't have a mouth, or any teeth. That's why I can't eat those annoying bastard penguins. Mind you, if I did I'd probably choke to death - bloody anti-social little fuckers. I don't know why people say that they are cute, coz they ain't. As soon the cameras and tourists go, they whip out their packets of fags, hundreds of them puffing away on their Marlboro's.

I am sick of those little bastards, they keep jumping on top of me and pooing everywhere. And, the other thing you don't know about them, is their binge drinking. They drink bloody Tenants for gods sake. So, there I am, sitting like a total berk, I mean berg, and those annoying little bastards, about five hundred of the fuckers, are sat there, pissed out of their tiny penguin heads, on Tenants. I can't take any more of this shit. I am a bleeding ice-berg, not a tacky Wetherspoons. I might not have human features but I do like the rest of me to be clean and tidy and without penguin crap or be bothered by their anti-social behaviour.

DSBJ: Is that why you're melting because you're depressed?

Cappo-Zadee: No, I am bleeding melting because those fuckers don't put their fag ends out properly, it's those fuckers that are making me melt.

Click on link below.


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6 comments:

glas of water said...

Hi,

I am a glass of water. Prior to being a glass of water I was five ice-cubes. Prior to being ice-cubes I was running water from a tap. Look Cappo Zadee you will overcome this. If you melt, then so be it. It's not the end of the world.

ice-berg friendly blogger said...

I think if you want to be an ice-berg, then just be an ice-berg.

Darkersideofbridgetjones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Former Mad Men said...

Look, this is very silly indeed. I don't know what DSBJ is going on about. It's impossible to have a conversation with an ice-berg. I should know, I tried it and ended up being sectioned.

Why are you doing this? It's a waste of blog space. ice-bergs can't feel anything, they have no personality, they are block of ice. Why don't you write about something more interesting, I don't know, carots? Perhaps.

Ice-berg blogger said...

I am an ice-berg and not only do I feel, I even have my own blog where I record online the problems, we ice-bergs are having with the anti-social penguins. It's a total disgrace. We are all suffering in silence.

This is our time, we have to inform the public - enough is enough.

If you don't help us, we're talking 'Noah and his ark'. So please, help us to help the penguins.

I believe rehab is an effective way to help the disaffected, anti-social addict.

Penguin Spokesperson said...

I'm a penguin and I admit we do exploit the ice-bergs. We didn't know they were mad with us until this blog post came out. Out here there's thousands of us. We are all very sorry - we didn't want to hurt the ice-bergs, we just wanted to have fun. You see there's not a lot going on out here. Right now we are packing our penguin bags and will be making our way to London, to Soho, where we believe there are many bars, pubs and clubs. This is where we can satisfy our desires as drunken penguins.

Thank you for your tolerance ice-berg community.